


Steamed Hams, But It's a Transcript

by UmbraHog



Category: The Simpsons
Genre: Steamed Hams
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-25
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2019-03-23 18:18:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13793433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UmbraHog/pseuds/UmbraHog
Summary: I pretty much made a transcript of one of the best scenes from one of the best episodes of The Simpsons. Nothing more, nothing less. I am indeed an odd fellow.





	Steamed Hams, But It's a Transcript

[Gary Chalmers rings the doorbell, which leads to Seymour opening up the door.]

Well, Seymour, I made it- despite your directions.

Ah, Superintendent Chalmers! Welcome! I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon!

Yeah…

[Chalmers enters the Skinner household and places his bottle in an ice bucket on the dining room table as Seymour enters the kitchen.]

[Seymour discovers smoke from his oven and lets out an audible gasp as he runs over to the oven window to discover that the roast he was making is burning.]

Oh, egads! My roast is ruined! But what if...

[Seymour looks outside the window of his kitchen to find a nearby Krusty Burger restaurant.]

I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking?

Do ho ho ho ho. Delightfully devilish, Seymour!

[Seymour takes off his apron and places it on the oven and prepares to jump off the window, but not before Chalmers opens up the door.]

Ah-

*song starts*

_Skinner, with his crazy explanations!_

_The Superintendent's gonna need his medications!_

_When he hears Skinner's lame exaggerations, there'll be trouble in town tonight!_

*Song ends*

**SEYMOUR!**

[Seymour turns around.]

Superintendent, I was just- uh, just stretching my calves on the windowsill! Isometric exercise! Care to join me?

[Chalmers points to Seymour’s oven.]

Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour?

Uh- Oh! That isn't smoke! It's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having! Mmm, Steamed clams!

[Chalmers exits the kitchen.]

Whew!

[Seymour runs to the Krusty Burger and returns with a tray of hamburgers and fries.]

Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouthwatering hamburgers!

[Chalmers prepares a napkin around his neck to avoid staining his clothes.]

I thought we were having steamed clams.

D'oh, no! I said steamed hams! That's what I call hamburgers!

You call hamburgers steamed hams?

Yes. It's a regional dialect.

Uh-huh.

Uh, what region?

Uh-pstate New York.

Really? Well, I'm from Utica, and I've never heard anyone use the phrase "steamed hams."

Oh, not in Utica. No. It's an Albany expression.

I see.

You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.

Oh, no! Patented Skinner burgers! Old family recipe!

For steamed hams.

Yes.

Yes, and you call them steamed hams, despite the fact that they are obviously grilled.

Ye- You know, the- One thing I should- Excuse me for one second.

Of course.

Well, that was wonderful. A good time was had by all. I'm pooped.

Yes. I should be- Good Lord, what is happening in there!?

Aurora Borealis.

A- AURORA BOREALIS!? AT THIS TIME OF YEAR, AT THIS TIME OF DAY, IN THIS PART OF THE COUNTRY, LOCALIZED ENTIRELY WITHIN YOUR KITCHEN!?

Yes.

May I see it?

No.

[Seymour and Chalmers exit the house, which is starting to catch on fire, which enrages/distresses Agnes Skinner, Seymour’s mother.]

Seymour! The house is on fire!

No, Mother. It's just the northern lights.

Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow... but I must say, you steam a good ham.

HELP! HEEEEEELP!!


End file.
